On 25 September 2021 I posted:
Sewing more name labels on things for Mum today. This is a pillowcase, but there’s also a few more tops and some woolies now the weather is turning.
Mum seemed frail today. I gave her a wee shoulder massage and she was so bony, in a way she never has been.
She was happy to have me there, but was quite lost. I busied myself with tidying her things and sewing name tags and refilling her biscuit tin. And we wrote birthday cards for her sister and step daughter. But I came away with such an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Not for what she’s lost, but for who she is now. She tried so hard to participate but it was too much for her today. It was almost too much for me too.
And now, two years later… I saw Mum recently. A couple of relatively short visits over a weekend… but she slept through most of both of them, and struggled to engage when she did awake.
As I read back at what I wrote two years ago, I have no recollection of how much she was able to participate, or not. And at that time, I had no idea how much further her health would decline, how much more of her capabilities she would lose.
Sometimes it seems impossible to believe that she is still the same person as my Mum; and certainly unbelievable that her body continues to live with so little stimulation, so little engagement with the world. I feel strongly that Mum would hate to be as she is, and in all honesty I hate it too.
I love her, as much as ever, but I hate the situation we are all now locked into.
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Thank you for reading this.
If you want to read more about my relationship with Mum and her dementia, then you could start here at Taking smock of the Situation. Or just dip in. After all, if I’ve learned anything this last few years it’s that chronology and time are less important than we might believe.
Finally, if it’s not too much to ask (I know, it is, apologies) I would really appreciate it if you could make a donation towards Alzheimer Scotland. They’re doing stuff that makes living with this more bearable for so many people. Thank you, thank you, a thousand thank yous.
Shewolfinthevalley 
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