On 14 November 2021 I also wrote:
This is what a freshly boostered Loïs looks like.
I look at this photo of me now and marvel at that woman, staring back at me.
I think she thought that better times were ahead, although even with the Covid vaccine boosters, Mum was going to die at some point, her health was going to continue to deteriorate, we were going to continue to lose a bit of her each day, each week, each month. But how long could we go on losing bits of her and for her still to be there? It seemed inconceivable that much more could disappear without it taking all of her with it.
And yet here I am, in June 2024, and Mum is still here. Or there. She still IS anyway. Today she told me that no she is not sad (in response to my question); and then she told me that when she goes out… (long pause here for dramatic effect) …. she always puts a jacket on.
So there we have it, today’s advice is if you’re going out, put a jacket on.
And now, again, I look at that photo of me. I try to detect if there are any signs of what was to come, of me losing lumps of vision in one eye because I have increased pressure on the fluid in my brain? And no, I don’t think there was any indication of it then, I don’t think it had started then, I had no symptoms associated with it.
I miss Mum horribly at the moment, feel her loss so keenly every day again, after some weeks when I hardly thought of her. I have been busier than usual at work, and have found it difficult to find time to focus on anything much else; I haven’t visited her for 2 weeks. In all honesty, I found the visits too hard for a while, so although I saw her, I found no solace in the visit, not even to think that perhaps Mum had some small benefit from seeing me, because it had felt like she hadn’t (she didn’t even know I was there on several occasions). But somehow we seem to have slipped into a new rhythm again, and I was greeted with the warmest of smiles from her again today. And as I left, telling her I’d be back soon, and ‘lots of love’, she repeated back to me several times, ‘lots of love’ without once opening her eyes.
Dear, sweet Mum, I love her so, and just wish we could sit at the dining room table over a cup of coffee again, and have a conversation. Any conversation.
And one day, I will start to remember her again as she was for all those years, rather than as she is now.
***
Thank you for reading this.
Mostly I blog about my relationship with Mum and her dementia, so if that might be your thing, then you could start here at Taking smock of the Situation. Or just dip in. After all, if I’ve learned anything this last few years it’s that chronology and time are less important than we might believe.
Do get in touch if you have any questions or comments – I love to hear from you my lovely readers.
Shewolfinthevalley 
One Response to “Boostered”